He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
