The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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