Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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