I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
