I can text with my tongue
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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