remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
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