i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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