I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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