Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
