Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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