I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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