I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
