It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So apparently I’m into choking now
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