I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Never underestimate the power of titties
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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