it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
