I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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