I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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