I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Mom said you looked used
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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