dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
