mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
