I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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