I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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