Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Someone came in the potted fern
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
