Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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