i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
