I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
