And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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