No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
