He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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