i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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