U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
