Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
