woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
