I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
