When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
