my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
