If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
