Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
