sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
