u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
