I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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