Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
