don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
home. puking in laundry basket.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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