It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
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No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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