So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
