So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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