I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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