You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
