My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
