Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
