How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
