Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
