I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
