So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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