I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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