For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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