highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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