She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
