I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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