Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
