Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
